The best proof of love is trust.
When Lady said, God is saying, “Give me the one thing that you cherish!” I promptly thought of a chapter in my story. Referencing Abraham’s test of obedience in Genesis only pushed me deeper into the thought of how I was once there. Unlike Abraham’s story, while I was on my way to the mountain, it seemed as if God didn’t intervene.
Have you ever felt like God gave you a promise then directed you to give it back without forewarning or reasons as to why? Nevertheless, you obeyed anyway and had faith that He would show Himself in your situation, but He didn’t, or at least you thought He didn’t. I gave God the thing I cherished, and He revealed His Sovereignty afterward.
Not What I Expected.
It was May the 10th, 2016, and I was nine weeks and five days pregnant. What should have been a blessing immediately felt like a curse when we received the news that there were some abnormalities in my pregnancy. The doctor said there was an excess amount of fluid around the baby’s neck that could decrease, but they could only know through blood work. As tears flowed down my face, I attempted to activate a mustard seed of faith and pull on the strength to keep it together. I did not realize it until that moment that fertility is not something you conquer. As gifted and talented as I was, this was one area that I could not fix.
With every ultrasound, there was hope for a change, but the fluid only increased. June the 6th, 2016, marked my last ultrasound and the last time I would see my baby girl. When I laid back in the chair, and she appeared on the monitor, I instantly knew the outcome. The doctor told me in so many words; the fluid had spread around her lungs and heart.
No where to go.
Our four months, my timestamp of no return, when a DNC would no longer be available, my husband and I decided to let go and let God. My little angel served her purpose in 15 weeks of life. I can’t recall the countless prayers to God to intervene and show us a miracle. I thought, “the Lord will provide, shoot, He had too because I believe He would.” I did not want to be the one to choose to end her life despite the doctor’s report because it felt too much like I was giving up on her—if she had made it this far, then indeed she was a fighter. I prayed that God would deliver me from such a difficult decision and take her if He would not heal her.
A reason for it all.
God was looking for someone to carry the fire, and He trusted my husband and I to do so. Know that God does not have limited knowledge about our situation. He applies direct attention to the details of His request. Can you still move forward with the instructions if God doesn’t intervene? During the DNC, they found an ulcerated lesion on my uterus that they eradicated during the procedure. She was never given to me to be delivered; instead, she was here to deliver me.
Let your actions confirm your obedience to God; don’t just give Him lip service. In the words of my husband “God wants to know if you can trust Him when you can’t track Him.”
Climb Sis’, climb.
